This is where we broke up
by TotallyMaia
Summary: "What's wrong?" This is the moment I almost hold back but, before your eyes can manipulate my thoughts again, I look down to my hands and say "I think we should break up."


This is the place where we broke up.

The place where we spent our first anniversary together is no longer a place I cherish but instead a place that hurts. I asked to talk to you last week but you kissed those thoughts away. Yesterday I tried again and you rolled me off saying you were busy. You were always busy.

You're late as usual but still just as breathtaking as before. When we hug it's no longer heart-warming; it's heart-breaking, because I don't want to let go yet I can't make this harder for me than it already is. As soon as we separate you know something is wrong by how much shorter we embraced than usual. You don't call me out on it.

We sit opposite from each other, just like our first anniversary four years ago. Yet it doesn't hold the same meaning as before. I'm mad at the table between us because I just want you to hold me close but at the same time I'm grateful for how far we're sitting away from each other since I don't think I could tell you this up close.

I avoid eye contact as you ask me how my day was and I reply saying it was fine. You tell me what happened at your workplace and how a new worker spilt coffee on your shirt and things almost seem normal for a second. It goes silent and I recognise how awkward everything feels so instead I keep quiet and skim over the menu.

We order our drinks and within the time we were waiting in silence I drum my fingers against the table. They arrive and I take a sip hoping for a distraction but also because I really need a drink right now.

When I go to sleep at night you're no longer next to me with your chest against my back but instead you're on the desk spending time on whatever work you're doing that is more important to you than spending time with me. I try to force myself to think over all the reasons why I'm doing this yet when you're leaning forward and looking me in the eyes for the first time in what seems like forever and you're asking me

" _What's wrong?"_

Now I'm blaming myself for being so vulnerable and thinking whether this was my entire fault. Things just got a lot harder. Suddenly I'm reminded of the first time we met and how you were looking at me in the same way you're looking at me now. I feel lost and intimidated looking into your crimson red eyes and I could only hope you're just as lost looking into my blue ones, the way you always were when we would study together. This is the moment I almost hold back but, before your eyes can manipulate my thoughts again, I look down to my hands and say

" _I think we should break up."_

There's yet another silence and I want to laugh because how many silences will we have to go through before the silence is permanent. The confusion in your eyes are clearer than any emotion you've shown me in a while as you try to take in what I just said. It's so fucking frustrating because how are you still so beautiful to me when you're in total shock.

You open your mouth to reply but close it because for once you're unsure of what to say. I can feel my heart sink and I almost want to take it back as a joke because now I'm remembering all the reasons why I fell for you. All the memories and moments that made me put this off for as long as I did. We're staring at each other for what feels like an eternity and finally I can't take it anymore as my anxiety claws at me and I say

" _Are you going to say anything?"_

You're indescribable eyes finally break contact from mine and look down as you whisper what I thought I would have never heard.

" _I don't know what to say."_

You were always somehow able to shift the guilt to me when all I ever wanted to do was the right thing. I'm left to whisper an 'I'm sorry' as if I'm the one at fault when I was the one constantly giving and giving in this relationship. This is the loudest silence I was forced to sit through and I felt the need to justify what was right in the open.

" _You wouldn't give me the time of day, you constantly ignored me."_

This time it was your turn to apologise as I hear you whisper that you're sorry and that you understand. I'm breaking yet again and I'm not sure if it's because you've never told me you were sorry for anything or whether it was because I know you would never understand the pain you put me through.

We made small talk for the rest of the night and when we finish I don't even bother to fight back when you insist on paying the bill. We hug again and this time I don't want to let go. You kissed me on the nose the way you know I loved, and then you let me go.

We meet a few times after that due to our mutual friends but even they know better than to try and put us back together. I can't count how many times I go back to the same restaurant, on the same table, on the same chair and replay that same conversation in my head.

I regret the things I left unsaid and the things I didn't. I regret the things I didn't let you say. Wishing I just told you something was wrong and not ending the whole thing. Thinking, whether you deserved another chance. Always wondering that maybe you cared more than I thought. There are more than a thousand regrets and what ifs but I didn't do those things. I did what I did and now I'm happy with the love of my life in this life that I've chosen.

This is the place where we had our first anniversary.

This is the place we broke up

And this is the place where I met him.

" _Kurokochii are you listening?"_

" _Sorry Kise-kun I was just thinking"_


End file.
